Weekend jokes..

A massive earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has
hit Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are
injured. The country is in total chaos and the government doesn't know
where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world are in total shock.
Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Latin American countries are sending
supplies. The European community (except France) is sending food and
money.
The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement
Mexicans.
God Bless America!

A man was stopped by the police suspected of drink driving.
The police asked the man to get out of his car.
"I'm going to have to ask you to take a breathalyser test, sir"
The man takes out his wallet and produces a card.
"Asthmatic. Please don't take breath test"
"very well, sir. Then I must ask you to accompany me to the station where we can take a blood test"
Another card is produced.
"Haemophiliac. Please don't take blood"
"I see sir. Then I will have to ask you for a urine sample"
A third card is produced.
"Leeds fan. Please don't take the piss"

a flight from Dublin to NY: pilot comes on the intercom about 1 hr into the flight: "Ladies and Gents, we've lost power in one engine so we'll be 1 hr dealyed arriving into NY."
about a 1/2 hr later: "Ladies and Gents, we've lost power in another engine so we'll be 2 hrs dealyed arriving into NY. this aircraft is capable of flying on one engine so no need to worry."
about a 1/2 hr later: "Ladies and Gents, we've lost power in the third engine so we'll be 3 hrs dealyed arriving into NY. this aircraft is capable of flying on one engine so, again, no need to worry."
Irish guy at the back of the plane: "jaysus, I hope we don't lose the last engine, we'll be up here all day".

the best one..

President Bush wakes up one morning, looks out of the White House window and sees "The President Sucks" written in the snow in urine. Furious, he calls in the FBI and demands the perpetrators be found. Later that day the FBI agents return.
"Well sir," says the first agent, "the urine has been analysed and it's the Vice President's". Bush goes purple with rage and shouts, "Is that all?"
"Well no sir," says the agent, "It's the First Lady's handwriting."